My Name

This is a really fucking BIG deal. I’ve arrived no where. I’ve just journeyed and expect that is simply what lies in front of me. I feel more intensely than I ever thought possible. Despair has caged me and love has launched me. I’ve felt betrayal in the depths of my soul continuing to spin like a ballerina en pointe. Just this morning I stood in the transcendental book store among the isle shelved with crystals, pamphlets and books all capturing my “LET IT GO” essence. The betrayal changed me. I will continue to realize where and how but it’s scar bloomed my beauty and the wisdom offers grace to never return to who I was before, though never forgotten. I love fiercely. This I know. Several years ago I embarked to understand, reconcile, forgive and move on. Actions looked compliant to this pathway… journals filled beyond the margins with my 4-color penned scribbles hours meditating… sitting on beaches, standing atop mountain summits, soaking in desert pools tarot truths told shadow work degreed and my inner child held again, again, again and again bringing known untold stories from the cellar built to stay locked through the winter. She’d climb onto my lap and share, my eyes gazing downward and hers reaching to land higher. Earlier on, I vehemently and naively decided to feel.

A-L-L-O-F-I-T.

The ugly. The bad. The good.

A-L-L-O-F-I-T

A very dear spiritual guide present in the early moments would relentlessly instruct “just feel”. I wanted to shake him and scream “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? HOW DO I DO THAT!!!” “You don’t do. Just feel.”

My frustration would launch like a rocket seeking a step-by-step instruction manual to what he was asking. “Just feel,” he’d calmly guide. “Fuck you Yoda-like know it all, just go to hell!” I’d scream. “Just feel.”

😡 👿 😠

At one point, I walked into my backyard and collapsed into the green grass surrendering, giving up, inviting every monster to devour me whole, saying good bye to all I thought I knew about life, love, people, and the world. I sobbed. I fell asleep in the grass. So many years later, as I ride the SB Airbus heading to LAX along the post-epic-storm Pacific my recollection feels like a compilation of discovery, an archeological dig revealing little by little as the dust was moved and a scene exposed making sense of what laid underneath. Moments seemed like years and years flicker in question of their existence. There is nothing unique about my story. There has been celebration, adversity, change, doubt, and the unexpected. Today I travel for the first time with my passport reading Terra Thomas, and for me, that is a really fucking big deal. I’m off to celebrate! #terrathomas #allin2023 #travel #love

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